Here are some jokes you have probably heard already
Bill Clinton In Hell
One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack, dies prematurely -- and goes straight to Hell. The Devil greets him, but says "I don't know exactly what to do with you. Of course you are on my list, so you will have to stay -- but you got here a little earlier than I expected and I don't have your room ready yet."
The Devil thinks for a moment and says, "Tell you what I can do. There are a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you were. I can let one of them go so long as you take their place. I'll even let you decide who gets to leave."
Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could be doing that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, over and over again.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," said Bill.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle position. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
His eyes widening in disbelief, Clinton grinned as he took in the whole picture and said, "Oh yeah, I know can handle this."
The Devil nodded and smiled. "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
And it came to pass that the pot had less than a cup, and he made a fresh pot and he saw that it was good. And on this day, his friends cheered him and sang praises to the highest mountains in his honor.
The beans hung heavy on the bush and lo, the grower Juan and his ass came upon them. They picked the beans and roasted them for the villagers. Drinking the brew, the villagers spoke quickly and they shook with excitement.
And the prophet sayeth, “If the pot shall haveth less than a cup, thou shalt maketh another pot.”
When he came upon the cup, he saw that it was stained with the color of the brew. A stranger said unto him, “Cleaneth the cup for it shall poison you.” To the stranger he said, “The color of the brew is sacred. To clean the cup would be a sin against the brew.”
And on this day there were no beans to grind. The villagers were sore afraid. What pain would come to them, the clouding of their senses. Darkness ruled the day and the people of the village wept.
The Frog in the Bank
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack, so he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant." I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Community Theatre 5.0 to Small Professional Theatre 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes. It installed something called Microsoft Stagemanager(TM) which it launches whenever rehearsal software is powered up, severely limiting access to munchies, praise, and practical joke applications that operated flawlessly under Community Theatre 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Stage Manager 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Hamming 2.0, Smoking in costume 7.5, Coming and Going at Will 5.6, Unlimited Comps 8.3 and Borrowing Theatre's Equipment 2.3 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Schedule 3.1, Discipline 1.3, Expectations 5.0, and Accountability 2.4.
Divafit 4.1 no longer runs at all, and invariably crashes the System. Under no circumstances will it run Whining 14.1.
I've tried running Attitude 5.3 to fix Stage Manager 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please ?!!!!
Dear Jane: This is a very common problem many actors complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Community Theatre 5.0 to Small Professional Theatre 1.0 with no idea that Community Theatre 5.0 is formerly an ENTERTAINMENT package for actors.
However, Small Professional Theatre 1.0 is a performance OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible, eliminating unnecessary routines in order to conserve all system resources for its own use. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the Stage Manager files from the system, once installed, as Stage Manager 1.0 rewrites your other software so that it rejects Community Theatre 5.0 routines once exposed to SM's superior methods.
Having Stage Manager 1.0 installed myself, I would suggest you read the entire section of the owners manual regarding General Director Faults(GDFs). This is a wonderful feature of Stage Manager 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Stage Manager 1.0 will take on ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause, and will somehow solve EVERYTHING. To activate this great feature enter the command C:\ DIRECTOR\SCATTEREDDREAMER-SENSITIVE ARTIST\CAN'TFUNCTION WITHOUT YOU.
Sometimes ActorsRIdiots 6.0 or higher must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Stage Manager 1.0 should then run the applications Organize 12.3 and Miracles 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GDFs, and ultimately you may have to give a C:\APOLOGIZE\RAISE\PERSONAL DAY command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Stage Manager 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, ArtSearch 6.0.
GrumpySilence 2.5 is a very bad program that can create Dysfunctional.acting files that clog all rehearsal and performance programs and are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember, the system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GDFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the entertainment applications Community Theatre 5.0 ran.
After several years of use, Stage Manager 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1 and EnsembleLoyalty 4.2.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install any version of MeddlesomAdministrator. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system.
StageManager 1.0 will run only CurtGoingThrutheMotions and CovertArtSearch until MeddlesomeAdministrator is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Small Professional Theatre 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.
Tech Support Staff
Excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)
(1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
(2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
(3) Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also.
(4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
(5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
(6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
(7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
(8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
(9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
(10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
(11) Please excuse Pedro from
being absent yesterday. He had
(12) Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
(13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
(14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
(15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
(16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
(17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
(18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
(19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
(20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
(21) Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
(22) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
(23) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes.
They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting,"51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in only 51 days.
50 Facts About Men
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (Reference - according to the Population Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, assuming that there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the world (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purpose of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500,000 tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them-Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, by another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 0.00426 seconds, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 MPS in 0.001 seconds, would be subjected to an inertial force of 17,500 G's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering puddle of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
The Name is...
This man walks into a bar and quickly realizes that it's a gay bar. But the man really wants a drink, so he goes in anyway.
The man walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a beer." And the bartender replies, "I can't give you a drink until you tell me the name of your penis."
The man is very confused, so he turns to the guy on his right and asks him, "What's the name of your penis?"
And the guy replies, "Timex... Takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'."
So then the man turns to the guy on his left and asks him, "What's the name of your penis?"
And the man replies, "Energizer... It keeps going and going and..."
So the man finally understands what is going on, and he says to the bartender, "The name of my penis is Secret."
And the bartender asks "Why?"
And the man replies, "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."
How to Shower Properly
How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -
make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Harold couldn't stand his wife Edna any longer. He didn't have the money to divorce her, or even to leave her outright. Due to his financial situation Harold thought it would be best if his wife were to die at the hands of a burglar instead of a simple divorce. Of course Harold didn't know any burglars or professional killers or even anyone remotely nefarious, and besides, he didn't have any money anyway, so he did like any self respecting wife hater would do, he went to the local bar.
Now being Salinas, this bar had some seedy characters. The barkeep himself was even somewhat rough.
Harold got drunk. Real drunk. He started spilling his guts to the bartender. The bartender had heard it all before (of course) and was very sympathetic. He told Harold there really was a way out of the situation. He told him to go down to the end of the bar and talk to Arthur.
"So Arthur can help me?", says Harold.
"Oh yeah. He'll take care of your wife on the cheap.", says the barkeep.
Harold goes to see Art. He tells him the whole sad story.
Art says, "I'll kill her for a dollar."
Incredulous, Harold says, "One dollar?!".
Art nods. They agree to meet at the Denny's on fourth street the following afternoon to go over the details.
The next afternoon, the meeting takes place. Art had the BLT. Harold had the Grand Slam breakfast. He could still get it in the afternoon since he knew Peter the day shift manager from their work together on a blood drive.
Harold relates all of the details of where he lives, Edna's schedule, what the neighborhood is like, etc. Harold felt as if he was being taken along by the winds of fate. Art was as cool as a cucumber. With the details set and the dollar paid, Art assured Harold that the timing would be a surprise and that Harold would not be implicated. Harold felt real bad, but he knew that soon it would all be over, he could feign shock and grief, collect the insurance money and start a new life.
Art began to stake out the house. He confirmed all the details. He noted the comings and goings of everyone in the neighborhood. He made his plan. It was perfect.
The day and time arrived. It was Tuesday at 11:40 AM. The mail carrier had just come and gone. The regular police patrol would not be by for another 35 minutes. It was time to go.
Art got out of his Civic and headed across the street. He rang the bell. Edna answered in a pretty flowered dress that Harold had bought her for Easter the year before. She was just about to go to the library. That didn't matter much now. Art grabbed Edna's neck with both hands, pushing her into the house, closing the door with his left foot. He held on until Edna went limp in a wretched pile on the floor of the foyer.
Turning around Art went for the door. Just as he opened it, Sue from next door touched her pretty manicured index finger to the bell. Sue was young and not a very good menu planner. She was making a cake and had run short on eggs, so next door she went. When Sue saw Edna laying dead in the foyer, she screamed. Art knew he had to do Sue too. Down she went, just like Edna.
Art was getting pretty jumpy about things now. He mad a beeline for the side door through the kitchen. As he stepped out the door into the bright overcast Salinas morning, Antonio the PG&E meter reader opened the side gate. Their eyes met, Antonio tipped his head as if to say something and Art knew right then it was time for Antonio to meet an unfortunate end. Edna and Harold's was one meter Antonio was not going to read.
Art was really shook up. He went to the seedy bar. He drank; way more than the usual. He had a bad feeling about "the spree" as it would soon be known. Art stayed until the six o'clock news came on.
It was a predictable scene. A pretty young reporter was breathlessly interviewing a police spokesman. The word "senseless" was bandied about. So was the word "motive".
Art was overcome. It seems this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Art got up and walked down the block into the police substation by the 7-11.
He confessed. The whole story came out. The dollar, the insurance money, Harold, Edna, Sue, and poor handsome Antonio. The police chief was called and took Art's confession personally. He called the Salinas Sentinel to give them their morning headline: Click here to see the headline.
What a sad story.
This joke coming soon
This joke coming soon
Literal product names
Ask your doctor about "Really Hard". I did, and I couldn't be happier. Nudge Nudge.
New "Only Me" treatment for Schizophrenia.
Having Trouble conceiving, try "Knock Me Up" from Merck
"Hurt No More" from the makers of Tylenol.
Once a day "No Baby" from Ortho. Or try the "No Baby Patch".
New "Easy Poop" for your constipation troubles.
"Strain No More" from the makers of Preparation H
New Trojan "Skank Stop", available in 12 packs, ribbed for her pleasure; extra large "40" size for homeboys.
New "Honey, Shut Up" anti snore strips.
The new Chevrolet, "Go There"
New "No Blood" feminine napkins.
PMS? Try "Bitch Stop!"